stupid day

i had choc sundae today with no one else but only me and myself, i tot it can reduce the depression and lost feelings in me but it proved otherwise. they were emulsified into loneliness and i started to hate myself for spending to make myself no happy but pathetic... even sushi taste different, or i should say no taste at all... started to hate this boring transition period, i wanna escape from all these, RIGHT NOW!

what am i

that distance that i could never cross over
you don't need me anymore or maybe you never did
maybe i should just disappear to make less annoyance
what are these feelings
i should've expected
a real hard time for me
i started to believe that my life is short
i think i will die at early age
i'm not qualified
i'm not worth anything

santa claus's promise

oh my god... where to find to get this idea of mine done... i thought some souvenir shops can do a custom made one but i failed to find...

would this be an undelivered present?

...

i miss uuuuuuuuuuuuuump...

i've longed for the fREEdOM! to get myself free from exams and the burden of assignments, projects and etc loads... As going through the transition state, I know excitement is not all that awaits me...

Just like this morning, i would have enjoyed another happy breakfast time IF the sem pauses at its end...

no more works, no more lullabies, no more nights with lights on,
no more morning call...

I have successfully strived till the end of degree studies, now left intern, which i thought it would be a bigger space with more freedom to do wuteva i wish to, and see lil hope... but what have i done? i know it could be a wrong choice which leads me to an infinite regret, but i just let the brain decide at its conscious state, make a rational view on the path diverged to unforeseen, as blurred as i am now of my future...do i even know when i'm conscious when i'm not at all? what's coming in front, what's being left behind one by one... without me realising it... but i know, there is something that would never leave me... i know... and i am willing to... even maybe it has moved on too far that i thought i can choose not to realise a lil nor mind at all... because i would never be noticed... maybe i should just keep it buried deep forever... should i? no, can i?



the hectics gone, i am happy, which i should be...

ghost?

STOP CRYING YOU STUPID DUMB ASS! THERE IS NO SUCH THING IN YOUR ROOM!
YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY OVER STRESSED AND SUPER LACK OF REST!


T_T stay awake, let the light on till the morning and i shall be SAFE...

tomorrow morning exam >< holy sh*t...

my "wonder"land

there is an unanswered question that doubted me for a long time. which keeps me wondering and linking and thinking too much making me much like a 3d, depressive desperate dumb! hate this me.
everytime things ended up unsuccessfully, why? maybe i shouldn't think about why... but i couldnt...
created more and more questions with uncertain answers and finally sinked into the world that i had to say hi to all the unwanted mes... no one see no one drag me out from it...

i want to know the answer but i'm scared at the same time to know. what if this is the best situation that i should maintain. what is in front that awaits? a higher peak or a cliff?

being calm in the middle of cross junction is hard, but it is the best way thus far for me to maintain the most optimum probability for all possibilities, which lead me to less wonders and negative thinking. kiasu i am, but every breath that i'm taking now is heavy enuff. living with body supported mental. i'll become insane soon.

many times the courage drives the words till my mouth but it just stopped there leaving my voice unspoken. i hate myself for doubting so much.

time will not stay in phase with my wonders, there will come a day when drivers no longer hold their temper, cars no longer choose to brake, traffic police no longer patient to persuade... ha ha ha... the one the me who still standing in the middle will die along with my wonders...

the questions stayed, the answers gone, i will be all alone.

lost in the maze

just realised that i've stunned long before starting this line.

i'm lost. in a maze no one realised, why?
cant get myself out.
what if it is forever.
nothing else i can do to merge all into one to direct me over.
paused. no return.
trying to see and feel everything. how long it will last. at least to make this pause a memorable one.
a beautiful one.
not a game. no bet. no rewards. find your own way and you will see what the fate wants from you.
i will try.

entry dat replaced BR's fantasy, coz i forgot!

Today! @ SungaiWangPlazaKL (1/11/09)

went to dig dress for my sister today for her school dinner with theme of Flora and Fauna. HAHAHA, she has no idea and so dragged me along to choose for her. So, we went there and “previewed” every shops that we walked by and I realized that erm… WE both have no idea… =.=

Then, thing always turned out alright within the last minutes. So, after the dress chaos, MY SIS BROUGHT me to McD to, again for me, have the fifth McDeluxe set meal within two weeks time. So… no comment… the fries, the burger… super delicious! LOL!

AND…

While waiting for dad, there was this booth of Sloggi where many ladies were standing around filling up forms and we saw the staffs giving away a small package to them in return. Then while both of us wondering if they would come to us, coz we were standing quite near to them and waiting there do nothing, suddenly a beautiful young lady approached us with forms for contact details. So no doubt, we just filled up after she telling us that it was for their company to send out samples or information in order to see the response or get comments from public. Then she handed over a small package to each of us also and later we had a photo shot with her in front of the Sloggi’s poster taken by another staff. We don’t really know what was that photo shooting for but we guess it’s probably taken as some proofs or results to be reported to the company later. We opened and glanced what’s inside. It was a nicely folded panty. So we both laughed and walked away after that.

Until when we got into car and took it out while telling the story to our dad, oh my god! that two thingies are actually T-back underwears!!! LMAO!!!

outcomes of today^^

hahaha… wondering when are we gonna wear these pieces of P&C…

not to forget, no I won’t forget, I bought this t-shirt at Isetan LOT10 when we walked by the entrance and saw them displayed there and available at the Isetan’s supermarket. So me and sis went down there and looked for that t-shirt, I was captivated simply by the words “I love food” on it. Oh my god, it totally describes me. With no doubt I should buy, this is what first came across my mind and I feel very happy and satisfied after paying for it. See this is how human brain work, it makes prompt decisions when it comes to matter of favourites and often slow to switch into logic mode. It’s always too late when people realized the domination of desire. That is the power of commercialization. and I’m still very happy with that t-shirt without any regrets. haha see, how slow I am!

AND...

this is the picture of my once-crazed-over egg tart, and it still satisfied me in the morning coz it's bought by my dad, he claimed that it's my morning starter haha, and while the tart started my day, my mom baked blueberry muffins for my supper! (she was very happy to bake something categorized as proven successful ~lol~ of course i helped her out la, she was somehow tired coz just back from working) hehehe...

~home sweet home~

October's Chaos

These photos should summarize my OCTOBER~


Convo’09のしゃしん@ UMP (031009)

sheeyan’s convo!!! congratz~

Interview @ Balakong Selangor(051009)


MCCのしゃしん @ ParkRoyalHotel

~1st night~061009

...future boss! lol!

~1st day~071009

brazillian food vs café’s food, hahaha…

the best thing that came after the food was the bed after the tiring day~

~2nd day~ 081009

TOO busy No pic@@-

~3rd day~091009

last day of conference which ended at 5pm…

thank god that i have this buddy who stays near to the bus terminal to walk there and buy ticket for me before sold out. it was totally rush hour to make myself arrive by 5pm even i left the conference half an hour earlier, monorail is good.

after 3 plus half an hour, i finally reach kuantan's terminal, my frens came fetch me... and after another rush hour (30minutes) of total overhaul on me in the wash room, finally there i appeared in...
PromNite@ MS Garden Kuantan (091009)

Night of Glory* which already started at 8pm++

many photos were taken on that night, this is one of them

Final year seniors of FKEE!

the funny thing was, after the party ended, we got back to ump and i have to carry my bulky luggages with accumulated unwashed clothes and all "tools" including laptops, chargers, etc... wuteva=.= and climb up to third floor, IN THAT HI HEELS! aiyo... my dress almost dropped and i've got no more free hand to pull lar... it was so terrible luckily i entered the hostel gate edi and nobody there to see coz it was after 12am already... swt~

New Room
this is the new room that i'm staying now with my exed-current roomate^^

*after cleaning jobs* exhausted to the limit!

Midnight Craze 12am-4.30am@McD TelukCempedak (170910)
sudden idea that bang into my brain when i was so numb after a short nap at night (haha) and i totally not in the conscious state to continue my works. need something different to refresh.

but what happened was it ended up with a video chat with our dear Miss Jacklyn thru skype and all works were forgotten. yippie! this is the style seniors should have!

webcam is good^^ you can see the food we have over here but you cannot eat, faster come back to M'sia, you are borned to eat hot and spicy (chicken McDeluxe) food such as sambal! LOL~

PT UMP ’09 @ W block UMP (170910)

3 on 3 Basketball match and Tomyam crave@ Sinar Tomyam (180910)

we got second place, AGAIN!!! but after the long scorching sun bath and strenuous game, we deserve the best tomyam of Pahang! ahahah

Yingying’s Wedding buffet @ her house^^ (231009)
this is my same year cousin. how I wish I could also get a shoulder, so that...

~Pretty and Handsome~

... I DON'T HAVE TO DO THESE ANNOYING WORKS!
Dateline aka Deadline (291009)

FYP: program, thesis, slide, abstract, evaluation forms
Princ.OfComm. : group assignment
Elec.InstallationDesign: Lab1DialuxReport, AutoCADassignment, Tutorial
PowerSystemDistr.&High Volt. : LightningProtectionReport


After all these, plus times of travel between Gambang and Pekan, Pahang and KL, I’m still able to blog now... still alive... (yes my roomate kept checking whether i was still breathing in my sleep, LOL!) uh… here I am… after few days of continuous and non-continuous uncountable times of overnight slaving over mountains of work, I must shout this to myself…

SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICASPIALIDOCIOUS!

HAHAHA!
by the way, I spent 4 times at McD for Spicy Chicken McDeluxe during the last two weeks partially because of the COKE’s contour glass meal but I didn’t collect all ten of them. I only have blue, clear, and (…had) royal purple (coz I accidentally dropped it on floor >< )

these should be more than enough to end my october =)
happy enough
wondered enough
depressed enough
worth enough
stressed enough
McD-ed enough
LOL

p/s : those who have accompanied me throughout my depressed times and stressed out nights, MANY THANKS and MUACKSS!!! ありがとうございます^^

 
the memories are forever

the start of freaking busy days

what's taking place in my life now?


the ALWAYSes:

single and available
sesat
fat
clumsy
eating monster
blur and slow

the HECTICs:
interview
30 finalist
pitching
damn bad connection
hp that runs out of batt
10 finalist
test
development camp
prom
3 on 3
labreports
project
quiz
fyp

i need less suddens to balance out my life
too much ups and downs has almost taken my breath away
i finally feel the stress, this is a real stress
the stiffness spreaded from neck up to the top of head
great pain in brain when u have to encounter the suddens and keep on thinking about the consequences while u are on another important task which due a day after.
really drop water on my head u'll see smoke that kind
couldnt hold the tears for times but i know that i gotta slave over all no matter what and so, swallow the fears!
seriously feel the shrink of my heart blended with sours
almost forget that it was mooncake festival and missed out some funs, perhaps... fine

are these coming to save my future or? but i feel that time is running out and i'm gonna miss out more...
suddenly need loads of support, support and support
and cares...
sometimes human just need some good words of comfort to boost their confidence, make them certain about their decisions and believe in themselves
and i'm definitely one of them

i'm just so scared that everything is too late when i have the gut to get what i really want
why cant it reach me just like one of those suddens? and my life will be balanced forever~ i always tend to picture beautifully but often the reality is cruel, the Cupid never pick me...

i desperately need love to support my mental...

And I said,
"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run.
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'

Romeo save me; they're tryin' to tell me how to feel.
This love is difficult, but it's real.
Don't be afraid; we'll make it out of this mess.
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'

watched Proposal Daisakusen some time ago and i love the message it delivers especially in the ending:
 
it's never too late to love unless you dont reach out for it,
wait forever, regret forever.
 
 

today

caught flu, and the damn cacat bus air cond made everything worse.

couldnt sleep well the whole night and gotto wake up so early for the class which was cancelled after that, after we all took more than an hour to reach =.=... and failed to persuade the lecturer of following lecture to bring it forward, alright... we had no choice but to WAIT!!! After feeling lost for two hours, we were fooled by that lecturer saying that we got no class. so happily we headed to the bus station to go back, and not even ten minutes after we all got so excited somebody called and said that the lecturer went back to the class saying we would have the class... omg@@ SO, after he satisfied with his singing of lullabies... we finally got our butts on the bus seats. THEN... this stupid bus is worse than the morning one, we got ourselves seats at last row and the aircond and air ventilation were super out of maintenance! for thousand years i guess! can totally feel the absence of absorber! cant sleep at all=.= plus the sweats... cant even have my head rest on! like there were continuous road bumps all the way... looking out the window at the cows crossing road i felt so wanna jump out from my warm seat and stretch and jump to feel my weak limbs... the dry hot wind kept blowing out from the fan points onto my head, felt like a layer of dust was sprayed all over my brain no wonder i felt so numb! finally it reached at twenty minutes past the starting time of the grooming workshop which we were rushing to. dragged my body up to third floor to my room, grabbed the fee receipt, took my heavy laptop out from my bag, and out to the cafe to have that rice which i think they only fried with salt and only salt, and... she forgot to bring her bottle, and mine only a quarter left. shared the gulps till the last drop and walked back into hostel to get it refilled. THEN! we finally on our way walking to the so called banquet hall,(which is actually a lot nicer than the one to be mentioned later!) which we thought it's inside the chancellery building, till we reached second floor by lift and almost going to push the grand looking door, a clerk from the office on the other side walked by us and asked upon curiousity... omg, what a shame... we've been here for three and a half years... although it has just officially operated for a year or less, but, we're seniors... anyway, that's not the point. skip long at this.(hahaha)so coincidently that lady also wanted to go to the building which we were supposed to be at, we followed her walking under the scorching sun again, felt like getting sunburn, pain on my arm skin! and there the banquet hall is... it's just few steps away from the cafe that last time we used to have our teatime or breakfast at times after or before our lab session... and i never noticed nor entered it before... maybe it just doesn't look like one, what a banquet hall, well, as long as it's given that name =.=... the door were so widely opened to welcome us as if it knew that we would come. before we going in we could see from the outside a young lady was giving her talk without a mic and everyone was so concentrated to her. attractive gestures. haha... we were just so didnt know what to do at that moment and felt so reluctant to enter and have everyone's eyes on us, and have no chance to explain why we're thr all in a sudden and so late... which we have done in the end thanks to the handsome officer who met us outside the "hall", kept on asking us to go in. actually it wasnt something big that matters much, but we just felt that way when we reached thr, the heart still pumping fast, got kinda nervous even to disturb her talk for a while. Anyway, we were FINALLY seated! but the heat was still surrounding... oh shit, the air cond wasnt functioning... i was sweating, so profusely... after a while, the cool air was back! which caused me to sneeze and found i caught flu when i got back into my room... but it doesnt matter as the talk was actually worth to attend, it was interesting! and she's a very nice person, and rich... lol, i'll make my million before 30!

finished a whole paragraph crapping non stop on stupid things, reporting an all-non-special day life, so ordinary carried by some badlucks, that's what made my day and also the reason why i'm feeling so tired and sick now! sick...

serious brain damage

cried so badly

so confused, the reason is so unknown
maybe my eyeballs need a thorough wash

onion is great, rich in...
" Onion and other Allium vegetables are characterized by their rich content of thiosulfinates, sulfides, sulfoxides, and ..." http://www.vegetarian-nutrition.info/updates/onions.php
wth... none of my business

facebook

i lost so many phone numbers of my friends, x colleagues, teachers, etc... when my hp lost. and i dun see them important or in need coz those numbers that i used to call nowadays i can remember them. and i've got them back very easily coz i meet them almost everyday. and when those old friends aka my all(old) time buddies msg me i can recognize them.

until when a secondary friend of mine got me thru msn and asked for my phone number i suddenly realised that all the while i've been keeping their numbers for nothing, really nothing coz i never sms or call them, some forwarded messages at times maybe, not often. but i've been feeling like i'm with them and could remember their faces when scrolling through the contact list, looking for familiar names to send a message or give a call to. and i remember that i have this friend's number saved in that lost sim card, so when she asked for mine today, i was like "huh?"...i have her number but she doesn't have mine... and now i see that those faces scaled in my mind all this while were actually their innocent looks of 6 years minus from now, i still remember where their pimples like to grow on. All with dark hairs, some with natural wave.

thanks to the facebook where i found back many of them recently and they all look different now, more mature, fairer and prettier @ smarter @ more handsome, got their hair straightened, some got nice wavy one, and mostly coloured. most of them are keeping long hair. some who used to keep long hair and looked like princess last time has now cut them short, new style, new friends, and different lifestyles they have now. except me. i'm dull. never changed my hairstyle for the sake of keeping healthy hair. so scared to get my hair "ironed" >< stupid.

those pictures in the school's annual magazine are so aged that the colour faded and the pages turned yellowish. when was the last time i flipped through it? they are really OLD memories right now. and so am i, bet my frens all stunned for seconds not at my name but my picture and wondered what happened to me before approving the friend request, lol! i'm damn fat now. fat! fat! fat!!!

though we never keep in touch or meet so often now, thanks to facebook again at least we know that all are safe and found our own paths. we share through the shoutouts and uploaded pictures, we know quite a lot about each other through the updates as if we can see what's going on in their real lives. we know everyone has been going through great and also down times, which is normal, and... interesting =)

whiter white coffee

maybe it's the cold weather, i am so addicted to the old town white coffee these days. i prefer the classic one. to make it milkier, i mix it with a teaspoon of milk powder. love to get some cream crackers, dip one into the coffee, put into the mouth and hmm~
there goes the song " what a wonderful world~..."
in a rainy day.

the washing machine in our house has been going strong for about 10 years until recent when it has started making very loud noise on every turn during the spins and finally leaving the clothes with water dripping when we take them out.
haih... RIP...

it's raining again, and i must restrain myself from having more than one cup of coffee a day><

white coffee is not white.

i sott jor

stepping into second half of the holiday, many pictures are in my head now. and i think i've just stamped the movie one with a big cross, X!

mom and dad will go out to have dinner with all my aunties... uncles... it's a gathering held every year for mom and her siblings who are quite far apart, staying with own families. All leading their own busy lives, so they make this the second largest annual gathering after cny. At each gathering they celebrate birthday for one of them starting from the eldest. So this year is the fourth and thanks to the raya holiday, my aunty arrived in kl today all the way from penang with her husband and kids, my long-time-no-see cousins. They are gonna have buffet tonight. haPpY biRThDAy in advance to her~ me also want to do this with my siblings in the future^^

back to the plan for movie on tomorrow, i think i cant make it already but i've promised to my fren. After postponing it for several times, i finally have to cancel it, desperately... coz my grandpa grandma will be in kl too, and for few days... so we're sure gonna go out together in families... but, how am i gonna explain?

the reason is reasonable, maybe it's the me in myself who actually long for movies... ><

at the same time that picture of movie-ing vanishes, i see the neighbouring one, a big one, the FYP... procrastination kills. cannot be playful anymore, must be SELF-DISCIPLINED already, ONE week(!!!) left and whether it's too late or not, i have to slave over it... who knows, my supervisor might ask for the draft that we owed him last month *sighing*

is it just because of this field that i'm in or is actually everyone also feel the same way about their fyps?

and this came across my mind when i was waiting for the lift last week, let's say, if the project is about mutation in mosquitoes which changes them to survive by sucking fat instead of blood o.O??? it might not be possible but, cant tell... hahaha... and to enlarge the scope, making one feeling unappetized instead of leaving behind itchy red welts? people on diet will definitely benefit from this@@ isn't it sounds much more interesting? lol...

days...

yesterday was tiring. we spent the whole day shopping. we've been putting on and off clothes, trying out each that appeared "okay" to us. i hate those nice dresses, i swear i'll own them one day with my own earnings! i'll make lots lots lots of money! and also get myself slim down><
how does it feel like to buy whatever we want without glancing at the price tag? i know the sigh a lot when "desire is price-oriented". who likes to squeeze with aunties uncles during big sales going from one big bucket to another and after digging for whole day finally a piece of shirt that your friends say not nice=.= what comes next is you find urself silly and walk out from that store.

back to the topic. after that whole day walk plus rain, my broken legs were still able to bring myself to the monorail and bus station. can feel my patella and heel bone which my bro says it's Calcaneum wor... whatever la, i'm pissed with him already, kicking basketball in the house like it's a football =.='''

another brother is still as noisy as usual, showing off his "slim" body with my new dress on, funny...=.=
and dunno why my sis is so addicted to sean kingston's fire burning, keep singing the same song out so loud especially this morning. wonder wut put her in a good mood today.

it's been raining these days,
and i should feel happy like her on holidays...

the loss of the rings

those were happy days
when the existing bud grows
irresisting everyday's approach
every glances that paused
i wanted to make them last


it's been 6 weeks since you were gone
way so sudden
in such a hurry
skipping all our memories
how could you...


everything seems still
until they defrost
and i just followed
soon i grow in the flow
in the way that nobody knows
every moment is sorrow


those tears stained faces
when memories spinning out of control
and the muted rush of shrill scream
mirrors my weaknesses
i am just a helpless figure


everything that i see
faded before i could feel
the silence that replays
the fear that remains
the tears that i cant contain


cares that never show
you would never know
everytime when i agree
i'm not being me


those days were the days
the only thing you left
the only thing now i have
living through the flashbacks
for you i will pretend


the denial that regrets
i would never forget
those days we spent together
would never reset
for they are always special


but up in air the question still...

how could you
and i am still...